Christmas is a time of year for family and appreciating what you have, but that doesn’t make it any less of a minefield to navigate. Cramming all those people into a small house and filling them with wine and mince pies nearly always results in one thing, and it isn’t pretty. If you still want to be on speaking terms with your loved ones the day after Christmas, then read on…
1. Prep
Nothing kicks off a day of awkwardness like failing to remember your nephew’s name or asking after your cousin’s girlfriend only to find out they broke up a few days ago. LEARN THIS STUFF. It will also help if you figure out a way to describe your entire year in one sentence for your deaf uncle.
2. Lie
There’s no sense in upsetting your parents by revealing how much of a loser you are, so learn to end the truth about your life a little for their sakes. For example: “Yeah, I LOVE my job at the moment, and definitely don’t spend Sunday night weeping into my pillow.”.
3. Alcohol
Festive booze should always be enjoyed responsibly, but it makes sense to crack open a few bottles of bubbly. People are less likely to ask why you aren’t married yet if they have a bit of ‘festive cheer’ in them – plus it makes the carol singing sound so much better.
4. Throw your sibling/partner/family pet under the bus
This is a mean but useful tactic. Instead of struggling to explain why your job is in fact not a dead-end role, try diverting attention away from yourself by shifting focus on how bad your brother’s exam results are. Works like a treat.
5. Start the grandparents off on a story
Popular topics include how life was when they were a child, how much better things were back in the their day, and how awful the internet is. This will burn at least two hours.
6. Offer to help cook the Christmas Dinner
Not only will this cheer your mother up to no end, but also means you can scream “I’M BUSY!” if anyone tries to talk to you.
7. Work
If you work at a bar, restaurant, or as a superhero, offer to take the Christmas shift. You can avoid your family if they are too drunk and well-fed to be annoying, plus you get paid double time.
8. Hide every Christmas Songs Album in the House
Your ears will thank us later. The festive tunes were nice when we started hearing them back in September, but now those painfully cheery songs have outstayed their welcome.
9. Help Someone Out
Finally, do you see your sister’s boyfriend sweating profusely as your recently divorced auntie drunkenly flirts with him? Head on over and help the poor guy out – ’tis the season and all that…
While some of these tips for surviving Christmas with your family may seem absurd, they have been proven to work well, and provide a bit of comic relief, if nothing else. Cheers to having a successful, happy Christmas season with family and friends!
